I’m Caroline. I’m 34 years old. Last May I was told I had breast cancer. Apparently I had more chance of being killed in a car crash but there you go.
Before I was diagnosed, my life was a bit stagnant ; stuck in a rut and I was unhappy. Yet today as I write I miss my old life. It wasn’t plagued with worry and fear. I liked my hair and my body. I was confident. I had periods. I was a normal woman.
Today I look in the mirror and I see a different woman looking back at me. My hair is thick and coarse and cropped. My eyebrows and lashes have not grown back properly. I’m fatter, all over especially my bottom which I do make jokes about but it’s an annoying side effect of treatment. My right boob looks weird in comparison to my left and the six inch scar I have across it where they took the cancer out is a constant reminder that my tits were trying to kill me.
I flit between feeling ok about my body to feeling like a freak. The only people to have seen my body since cancer ravaged it are doctors.
I feel angry that I look like this as a young woman and if I can’t love my body who else will? The chemo destroyed my ovaries. It’s possible I’m in the menopause 20 years early. The doctors say my periods may return or they may not. I feel sorry for my body what I’ve put it through.
I wonder if Im going to be ok. Will it come back? Will I ever go a day without thinking about it? And then will I be around for my children? What if I die before I find someone to love who loves me?
I’m fiercely independent. I quite like being alone. I also have very set ideas on the type of man I want to meet. But I never seek. I hope it will just happen when I’m not expecting it. I tried to date a guy during the whole cancer thing but I didn’t feel it was working so I called time on that.
But it’s not all bad. People say I inspire them. That’s pretty awesome right? I want to help other women so that they feel supported.
I’m very vocal about cancer which I guess makes it very easy to talk about the rest of my life too. And I hear blogging is like therapy and seeing as I can’t afford therapy and am perhaps too far gone in the crazy sense 🙂 I will be posting my ramblings here.