My inner critic

4 people said to me this week that I’m too hard on myself. The woman I go to see at the Cancer Centre says the same. She’s my counsellor. How many of us are our toughest critics?

I started seeing her to talk about all my cancer worries and to try and deal with the fear, but that’s evolved in to more general issues like how I see myself and where my life is heading.

You see, I hate failing at anything and even if I achieve something great by others standards I think I could have done things better. I just don’t know how to let go and relax.

I think its always been present in me and got worse lately because of not really knowing the rules of having cancer – how to be how to feel what to say..
When will I feel like my old self again? Why can’t I exercise without feeling so tired yet etc…
I’m impatient with this recovery and annoyed at myself things are taking too long to go back to normal.

I suppose that I feel like I failed from 18 months old when a tragic major life event really affected me and must have moulded much of my personality today.
it hurts and no matter how much I talk about it and try and process it I feel stuck with that awful rejected feeling and that feeling that I must try harder to please.

My parents were fairly critical of me growing up because their parents were critical of them and this just added to the constant strive for perfectionism and fear of failing.

I agree that I’m too hard on myself but I’m not sure how to stop. How do you break a habit of a lifetime?

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” -African Proverb

My interpretation of this proverb is that when you are kind to yourself, have high self confidence and love and are proud of who you are other peoples bad opinions of you mean nothing and don’t affect your self worth.

Food for thought.

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