The fear

I sometimes feel I’m living on borrowed time. I know this is a very negative way to think but it’s the truth.

I read far too much and network with so many people that have had cancer its not surprising I hear bad news sometimes.
I may hear that someone has secondary cancer or they have died. It’s always sad to hear and scares the living daylights out of you.

The counsellor I see at the cancer centre says that my thoughts and moods can quickly turn dark but I don’t get stuck there for too long and bounce back quickly to the happy and optimistic Caroline.

Since cancer I’ve really noticed that I am like a human pendulum swinging between happy and (perceived as) sad or angry, except I’m not sad or angry I’m just frightened.

It’s that bloody devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear that I have a 20 percent chance of not being here in 5 years. There’s a risk of it coming back or it taking residence in other parts of my body.

I often give in and listen to this voice and I feel sick and awash with panic. I have absolutely no control over what my future holds with regard to the above. Sometimes I am at peace with this but other days I hate having to live my life this way.

It’s lonely being with these morbid thoughts. I need to be soothed but I can’t really talk about it to anyone because they don’t understand or they tell me off for being negative or insinuating that I should be grateful I’m still here. Others have their own cancer worries and I don’t want to scare them or burden them.

Affection is mostly awkward for me but sometimes I want to be hugged and be told it’s gonna be ok. But hugging is a bit weird and I mostly feel uncomfortable with that so what gives?

My rational brain knows I have a great chance of living a ripe old age and cancer may never knock at my door again. When I close my eyes I try to picture me as an old lady happy and contended.
The best tip I was ever given when feeling panicked was to “just breathe.”

How long until we stop feeling such highs and lows and plateau on to some level of acceptance and mediocre happiness. Or is this how it’s going to be forever?

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4 Comments

  1. michael ward

    Caroline, it’s normal to feel the ups and downs and I imagine most people do in life and not because they are or have been ill. It’s human nature so don’t feel bad. Being positive is a great healer and I believe that’s why my brother who has leaukeamia is still doing so well, he is so positive about things. I’ll always listen if you need to sound off about anything. You are a fighter and when that voice is whispering doubts just stop listening and think of good times to put you back on track and remember deep breath…breathe πŸ™‚ You will look back in your old age and think, I did do well didn’t I πŸ™‚

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  2. Lia

    So well written Caronine! I am so proud of you! No wonder you have 800 followers! Everything you write about is so true and real! As time goes by the little devil will not be sitting on your shoulder as often as it he does now! Allow yourself to hug and be hugged! It truly is therapeutic! Living in the USA where everyone huggs each other taught me to do just that, and it does feel GOOD! Keep up your excellent work! You are doing just fine! Love you!

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