Its so hard trying to date right now. I want to deep down but something’s stopping me I can’t be bothered to meet someone new and explain everything to them.
I underestimate what I’ve been through as a defence mechanism – I want to work hard and push myself to the max, I want to run up the stairs when I’m tired. I want someone to not care or worry I had cancer and not see it as a huge turn off.
People are always going to be shocked when I explain things. How do I deal with a new persons reaction? More burden.
I’m already assuming how someone will think, that’s bad I know, but I know it’s frightening. Someone will have to take a risk on me. Get attached and maybe the cancer will come back and I’m not a safe bet I guess. People like safe don’t they?
I feel like I’ve achieved so much more with my life, yet now oddly, I have maybe (from a guys point of view), less going for me.
I know they say going through this is great for perspective and you come out the other side stronger but I don’t feel strong in certain aspects like dating/ meeting someone new at all.
I should push myself to go on dates and get myself out there again. But I panic and get shy and cancel.
I miss the small things. Affection, having someone to go watch a film with and just someone to chat to about rubbish for hours. It’s the companionship aspect I crave.
I have these stirred up feelings for this man. I believe In attraction at first sight and it was just that. when he smiles his face lights up I fear I have a dose of pathetic haha and i wish I could put in to words how just 2 minutes of conversation makes my day; forever wishing the conversation never has to end. Always so much to say but the words don’t come easy.
It’s been ongoing for months but while I’ve been thinking it’s a little frustrating, I’ve failed etc… whilst writing I’ve realised perhaps some people come in to your life as lessons.
Ive realised that after a year of uncertainty, wondering if I’d ever want to be with someone again after battling through last year alone I actually do.
He made me realise that as independent as I am, we aren’t really meant to be alone and Im ready to find something mutual with someone when the time is right of course.