The Cancer carousel

All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you..”

My happiness was short lived and the sharp decline came last week because of various reasons and here I am this morning frustrated and angry at the world.

I’m thinking too much. I’m worrying too much. I want to speak but the words don’t come out. I can’t think of them. I feel like part of my brain is dead. I can’t verbally communicate my needs or my pain. I feel trapped in this underground burrow. I feel like even if I do find the words I’m moaning or complaining too much and people will be tired of me, or not understand.

Yes I feel insecure sometimes and I don’t trust people easily. I never used to be like this. Maybe it’s because my body let me down. I can’t trust it to function properly,it wants to create these bad cells and try to kill me.

It sounds ludicrous but I’m very angry with my body and sometimes feel like punishing it by getting very drunk or eating something disgustingly fattening. I rebel against advice and what my body wants. Fuck you body you are shit.

People are not always genuine. It becomes harder to know who to trust and who to open up to after cancer because you’re so vulnerable and weak like the runt of the litter. Talk to the wrong person and they can say the wrong thing and set you back.

I’m on my very own cancer carousel. I feel sick now and want to get off.

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