RIP to the old me

I’m so angry when I’m drinking, not in the dangerous and physical sense more an expressing a pent up aggression. I’m going to stop drinking for a month and start trying to channel that aggression elsewhere.

Realistically it’s not the booze that’s making me angry it’s just repressed when im sober. Also alcohol is a depressant and most people are bad drunks really, let alone when you throw in cancer and emotions to the mix.

For so long I’ve felt guilt and shame about feeling angry and having emotional outbursts but I’m too tired of it all to care. I’m forever putting others first and I must think of myself too. It’s not only me that expects too much of myself but I feel others do too.

I feel there’s an expectation on me to behave in this perfect way and be happy all the time because I’m still alive. I think people miss the bigger picture. I’m alive but mostly in a depressive bubble, angry about what happened to me and repulsed by my body since the surgery. I should be in a relationship and being able to enjoy intimacy but I’m scared of these things because of above, which in turn makes me feel hopeless and alone.

I’m alive but at what cost?

The thing is I know in time I will have moved on and will be much happier. Having cancer is like grieving for a dead person. Only I’m grieving for myself – the old me.

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