It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

I write from my bed as I am not feeling too hot. My throat is sore, my nose is running and my ears hurt. Perhaps my immune system is still compromised I’m not too sure.

Do you ever cry and not know why? Or know why but realise it’s totally not worth crying over and you’re magnifying things way out of proportion? In that moment you just don’t care though, it’s warranted justifiable and you gotta let it out right?

I constantly have this awful fear that I’m stuck forever in this cycle of feeling happy(ish)and then sad, never truly finding happiness and a true love for life.

I ask myself is it the tamoxifen that’s making me so up and down? Am I depressed or is this still within normal timeframes to be feeling so traumatised 8 months after treatment finished?

What even is the normal timeframe to be over this?

I am a slave to this melancholy; and I know if I came off these tablets I would be happier and not so manic, I would drop the extra weight and probably get my monthly cycle back.

I can’t stop these tablets though, they protect me from getting cancer again. I hate the fact I have no choice in the matter. I have a duty to stay alive as long as possible, be a good mother and provider. It’s not just about me.

If it was just me I would take a chance. Let fate decide. I would not be living these miserable days that are most probably fuelled by drugs.


One Comment

  1. Yolanda

    Take hormonal drugs like tamoxifen can be tough. A close family member of mine went through the same ordeal – wanted to stop very much because of the side effects (like menopause on overdrive with constant PMS) but felt obligated to do the best for her body and her family. It’s a difficult thing.
    As to the normal time frame – there isn’t one.
    Don’t let anyone pressure you into feeling like you “should be back to normal by now”. Time is never going to go back, but life will get better as you recover in your own time.
    I wrote an article based on tamoxifen, if you’d like to read it:
    Anyway, hope your recovery is going well and you’re enjoying each step of life.


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