The last couple of days I’ve turned a corner. It’s dawned on me I’ve barely thought about cancer, at least I’ve not worried about it.
In the beginning I was crying a lot worrying, frightened, but these days I rarely cry out of fear. It’s sunk in now, I’ve adjusted to the new me – the young woman who had cancer, and slowly I’m also becoming the old me again, embracing the old Caroline, when cancer didnt define me.
I guess it will never leave me entirely but I feel like I’ve moved on considerably this month and turned a corner.
Now I’m thinking I have a good chance of surviving this and living many many years where as I’ve never truly believed that before in my heart. Uncertainty plagued me constantly.
I’m starting to have more confidence in how i look and who I am as a person. Neither are perfect but looks aside I generally like who I am. I am kind I am considerate and I am honest. I am difficult sometimes angry emotional impatient but these are traits that once were mild and cancer magnified.
Expression in any form is ok so long as it’s not hurting anyone else. I think being myself and showing my true colours all the way through this journey has been my salvation really. I wonder how I would have coped pretending to be fine never saying how I really felt?
Surprisingly I do hold a lot back. Even in my blog as much as I try and be as transparent with readers as I can, some things need to be private and not shared with the world. I am a walking contradiction. I share my life experiences openly but I’m also quite a private person who likes my own company.
Other people can be exhausting and sometimes I just like to be alone. No effort needed no conversation just me and my thoughts…☺