I debated writing this because everything’s been going so well but I promised myself when i began writing my blog, I would document real feelings.
Not just to be true to myself and to grow but to give others some understanding and insight in case they are ever in my position or supporting someone who is.
September is a really difficult month for me as the 21st would be my mum’s birthday. This one will mark 13 birthdays that have passed.
13 birthdays with no cards cake or celebration.
I would like to say it gets easier but it doesn’t. All that happens is you get busy living. It’s similar to when you’re so engrossed in your work or a project you forget to eat, except I forget to think about her, and then I will feel a
pang of guilt or something will remind me of her.
I feel angry still that she died and angry that I was left alone emotionally to deal with this cancer because I didn’t have her around to help me cope. I sometimes think i should have completely fallen apart and wonder if that will happen one day like delayed grief.
That aside I suppose I thought I’d feel elated that I finished treatment and I don’t. I feel lost, unsure what to do apart from live my life of course but that comes with its troubles.
I do a good job of living in denial often faking positivity and strength but then I will read something that I will recognise as everything I’ve been through and the enormity of my situation will smack me in the face.
We (people affected by cancer) do a good job of playing it down to others and ourselves. It’s a coping mechanism, but oh so tough to read things in print.
The last article I read yesterday about young women with breast cancer which touched on relationships infertility and physical and mental effects. All very depressing but this is my sorry life, and there’s not much I can do about that.
I wish I could go back change it all; today I see no positives.
Just a hopeless situation and wondering if people will accept me and understand me now perhaps plagues me the most..