Underneath your clothes

Since my surgery 15 months ago I’ve been uncomfortable with the way my body looks. I’ve put on weight because of the chemo steroids and oestrogen blockers.

Because chemo savaged my body and stopped my periods, my body thinks I’m a menopausal woman. The menopause makes you fatter anyway but it’s a gradual process in a 55 year old woman. With chemo induced menopause your periods stop overnight and the pounds go on. On a plus side I’ve saved a fortune on tampons.

The mirror sees me naked everyday. The mirror doesn’t judge me or say anything negative about how I look. But I have a fear of an actual person seeing me unclothed as I would feel way too vulnerable and self concious. 

It’s something I will need to work on because I can’t die a born again virgin surrounded by cats I bloody hate cats!   Furthermore I am a young woman in my prime and I want sex and need it like most people..

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Anyway now I’ve outed myself as a repressed nymphomaniac I want to move on to something that’s really stressed me out this week.

Other people’s opinions on my disease.

This week I’ve been told that I could have prevented my own disease but due to my western lifestyle I brought it on myself. Also I was informed that cancer is not the only disease and there are other problems in the world than just cancer that need urgent/more attention. THAT MAY BE TRUE BUT PLEASE CAN’T PEOPLE BE A LITTLE BIT SENSITIVE TO OTHERS FEELINGS??!

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I feel like I’m falling on deaf ears most of the time and I literally spend most of my life now helping and  (without sounding patronising) educating others. But sometimes I wonder if I should just admit defeat and not talk about cancer in any way shape or form and let other people get in to arguments over it instead.

To end on a nice note I went out with a nice guy last night whom I actually know and it was very nice indeed. That is all I am saying.

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