Taking the control back.

Over the last few days I’ve been thinking about how addicted I am to talking reading and writing about cancer.  It’s literally taken over my life. I don’t feel bad about this because it’s seemingly normal. It’s not yet 18 months since diagnosis so it’s relatively early days with regard to the shock factor.

There is no time limit on moving on and people say you never truly forget about it, but when it starts making me feel like I’m only just keeping my head above water or it starts making me feel sad and drained I need to give it a rest.

I know there are people who devote their whole lives to promoting cancer awareness.
I am passionate about it and always will be but I would like to have days where I don’t talk about cancer.

I follow so many people on twitter who have been or are going through it so I cannot escape it. I get involved in debate and I read things which rile me;  because these people have no clue what living with cancer is like. I want to try and get the misinformed to attempt to understand but very few are able to do so.

I really want to move forward with my life and today I made the decision to have a break at least from reading about it and interacting with others via my social media platforms.

Cancer is part of me but that’s not what I’m all about. I have other passions and interests- so many, they’ve just been put on the back burner a bit.

I supppose I’m scared of leaving it behind because it’s all I’ve known for so long. Checking in with everybody makes me feel safe, like riding a bike with stabilisers  when I was a little girl.

Taking the stabilisers off  and learning to go it alone on the long road without support is a daunting prospect.

But there’s  one thing I am and that’s a tryer, and I know I am so much stronger than I think I am..



One Comment

  1. pattybrucemitchell

    I am glad that your scans say “cancer free!!” This is a new era for you after dozens of months where cancer was the ruling concern much of the time.

    We who seek to understand this new thing in our bodies — cancer — have a plethora of resources. Too many. I’ve joined two on-line support groups, one for metastasized breast cancer and one called “Smart Patients.” I don’t check in that often. So many people are further down the road and are in treatments that I still don’t know about. It gives me a glimpse of what my life will become and that glimpse scares me.

    I started a blog letters-to-beverley as a way to divert my “inside” voices into outward expression. My hope is that will make the inside “You’ve Got Cancer Committee” shut up. They got a chance to dominate my first blog. In the next ones, I’ll only give them a minor role. After all, my tag is “living with cancer.”

    So far, I think the blog is helping me think about something to “tell Beverley” in my next letter. We have a lot of catching up to do!

    Thanks for having an interesting blog, Caroline. NOW you can blog about how you are emerging back into life with fulfillment, happiness and serenity as the new bosses!

    Patty (Beverley’s sister)


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