I’m here for you.

I’m coming to the end of my councelling. I’m unsure whether next week is my penultimate session or last. The woman I see is the kindest most understanding person which is amazing considering she’s not had a cancer diagnosis.

It’s taken me 18 weeks to be able to talk about what happened from when I found out I had cancer and my journey. Even still I am unable to make eye contact or talk with any confidence when recalling it.
I’m trying to make the direct link between what happened to me and this shame that I feel but I’m unable.

It’s different when I’m writing, it just kinda flows and I don’t have to look at people’s uncomfortable or pitying  faces. 

I now realise that I am not satisfied with any response when I do try and talk about how I’m feeling. Too cold and flat, too much pity and saying the wrong thing are how I’ve perceived people’s support.

Most suck at knowing what to say, hey, I suck at having tolerance and patience at times.😆

For me just knowing that someone is there,  wants to listen to me and not really say anything I guess;  oh and then there’s the hug..

Hugs say so many words don’t they. A hug says goodbye but also
I hope you’re ok, everything will be ok, don’t worry, and most importantly
I’m here for you.

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My life is devoid of hugs because I’ve always  felt a bit stupid and exposed. But I’ve decided to hug more because let’s face it life’s too short and hugging feels good.

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