Today I finished my counselling. 17 sessions – done.
There’s been a lot of endings this year and I’ve said a lot of goodbyes. I’ve moved teams regularly at work I was discharged from cancer treatment albeit temporarily and now I said goodbye to Becky.
Everything comes to an end and seemingly everyone says goodbye.
If they don’t there’s a chance I’ll push them away first. It’s a self preservation thing. I go through life forming relationships and often leaving them. I will find things wrong with people. Sometimes people aren’t good people and should not be in my life but often regretfully I’ve looked for any reason to leave or people have not met my high expectations – or rather my unrealistic expectations.
Lots of people have loved me but I’ve made it hard for them or got bored. People become needy and a bit pathetic and it’s odd because I want a man to need me, to make me their everything yet when it happens I can’t seem to cope with it.
It’s easier to like those who don’t need me because it’s familiar and comfortable.
When I was very small I wasn’t wanted.
I get angry when people get a dog and then decide they can’t cope with the responsibility and get rid with no thought as to what will happen to the dog; but why would you do that with a child?
It was nothing to do with me, not my fault, nor a reflection on me but it bothers the fuck out of me.
I know this is uncomfortable and sad reading but it’s the truth and I’ve been very unlucky in many ways but so have millions of others in the world, so what?
I can let something control my life and ruin all my friendships and relationships or I can let people in and give them a chance. I would like to find that kind of love where you are each others biggest fans.
It’s on my To Do list..☺