This is going to be ranty and miserable..
I’m upset and I’m sulking.
I’m sulking because another young woman died of breast cancer today. Not someone I know personally but someone on the TV. I’m also annoyed because she was ok for five years, in remission and then it came back with a vengeance and killed her.
Sneaky fucking cancer. It likes to trick you, let’s you think you’ve got away with it and you’re one of the lucky ones but then it pops up again just when everything’s seemingly going well.
I’m sulking about the whole sorry cancer situation, for all the young women and men who leave us too soon.
I’m sulking because it’s another negative reminder that young women don’t fare well after breast cancer and many doctors write us off.
I’m scared it’s going to be me, and I don’t want brain tumours and seizures and to die young- I don’t want any of it.
I’m a horrible thoughtless person sometimes. I moaned on Facebook about scaremongering and not wanting to read about death. I have friends with stage 4. They must think im abominable and insensitive. But I need to express myself else it’ll drive me crazy. Still I feel guilty..
My question is:
When does it end? When will I stop being scared when I hear bad news? I don’t bother telling people close to me anymore about the panic when someone dies because they don’t understand the fear.
I walk alone on this treacherous path.
it’s all whirring around my head; the paranoia the anxiety and there’s always tears. I’m sad that this rollercoaster is now my life and I have no control over any of it..