I figured that working full time is achievable for me now. It’s a big step after treatment. Yet it’s also a milestone, a bit of normality. This year has mostly been normal and not disrupted so much by cancer like 2013 was.
This week I’ve been very tired but I need there to be that balance of satisfaction both at home and work- achieving great things, but also looking after myself and not overdoing it too much.
As a young woman I thought I would go back to feeling how I did before cancer but I’ve not bounced back energy wise. I feel much older on the inside like it’s really aged me. Thankfully my face remains youthful thank you genes you trumped there (but majorly fucked up with cancer). Can’t have it all though.
I did have a lot of treatment, more than a lot of women and I should be more patient with myself. The media need to stop throwing the magic one year mark out there, because we don’t all recover from treatment in a year maybe some of us don’t recover entirely at all.
I’ve made amends with a couple of people this week which feels good. There were issues last year with one friend, (we were both going through a bad time), we fell out but she reached out to me and I think we managed to sort out our differences which I’m happy about.
As much as I’ve always said people with cancer understand more, the friendship can be difficult when you are both at breaking point and it can have its ups and downs.
One guy I’ve known a while now, and admittedly things haven’t always been great, but I’d really like to be his friend if he wanted that too. I miss him, or rather I miss us, the chats we used to have. Maybe people can have connections that don’t have to be about attraction and lead to anything more than friendship.. He told me how he likes his tea once in passing and I remember his funny tea anecdote.
I kinda feel like everything needs to be done at double speed because I’m scared that I don’t have as long on the planet as most people and I know that sounds quite depressing but that’s the truth. I don’t like leaving things open ended or in a bad way I want things to be ok in every aspect of my life. So I’m working hard at everything right now but mostly on being a better person. .
We could all be better people you just have to want to be one..