I’m double blogging today because I’m pissed off.
As usual no one has asked me about my appointment tomorrow. I’m not sure if it’s because they don’t care, they presume I will be fine or there’s a chance they don’t know of course.
My family know I have an appointment. Have they asked what it’s for? No. They’ve all forgotten and moved on. I’ve told others, they’ve not said anything barring the usual you’ll be fine which to be honest is better than not acknowledging at all.
And then through the fear and disappointment I feel guilty for feeling this way. Perhaps I’m making a big deal of it all. But it takes me back to the first time I was checked and they told me they’d found the cancer. What if it happens again? I was on my own the first time they told me it is probably cancer.
All the worry and build up before the appointment I cope on my own. I cope with everything alone not because I want to because I don’t have a constant in my life who cares enough. It’s sad I know. I feel unworthy and shit all over again.
It’s a familiar feeling and its nothing new, but it takes its toll.