The last two nights I’ve been sleeping deeply, sleeping 9 hours at a time. This can only be a good thing because I must be calm and not overly worried about anything.
I am tired though. I get tired very easily since all the cancer treatment I had. I think the tablets I take (tamoxifen) attribute to it too. But if I don’t push through it I’m letting cancer win.
I’m only 35. I look young on the outside, but inside cancer aged me physically I suppose. It’s always there the fatigue lurking reminding me to slow down or I will want to sleep an entire weekend away. I thought it would pass eventually but I feel I am just different now. Older, and less able to do as much as I did before.
Emotionally though cancer made me regress. At least maybe it brought parts of me out I’d repressed before. I think cancer is the worst thing that happens to most people in their lives so they rebel by misbehaving or having ocasional outbursts. I’m sure it’s because I’m often hurting inside- I’m still pissed off it happened to me so I will channel that anger in other ways usually through people close to me or if I feel that they understand me, (most don’t).
But I am not an angry mean person. I love deeply and care about people. I also care about how I make people feel.
I was caring and empathetic pre cancer but I learned how people’s love and affection can make you feel when you’re in the darkest depths of dispair. How much it’s needed.
So yes, I’m calm which is strange considering I’m still waiting for mammogram results, but worrying won’t solve anything and I refuse to be controlled by bloody cancer and scans. It’s not that I like to win I just don’t like to give up and don’t quit until I get to the end.
I am a fighter and I do what it takes to succeed.
Success for me is being happy and not worrying just enjoying living.