Sit down and Shut up.

I don’t really see the point in making resolutions although I am pretty resolute when I decideto do something. But things change and there is often too much pressure to do too much at once and I’ve learned to slow down and focus on 1 thing at a time.

This January marks 2 years since I quit smoking. I used to smoke quite a lot, when I look back now I can’t quite believe I was a smoker and I smelt of cigarette smoke. Or what it must have been like to kiss me. So that was one resolution I stuck too, so I did something great and then got cancer and put on shit loads of weight. Thanks!  Life always surprises you even when you think you’ve worked it out.

This year has been a sheer contrast. I’ve acheived so much and worked hard in every area of my life. I am proud of everything I’ve acheived and I have given my all.

It’s also been very up and down and I should have perhaps sought help much sooner than now about how I’m feeling. I feel I could have prevented this woe if i would have been less proud and said I’m not coping that well with moving on and my new life post cancer.

In some respects I feel weak and defeated because I need some help getting back to normal but  yet I know I am strong and fearless and brave. I am not a machine or made of stone. I have a heart which still beats but is a little weary and cracked where life kept repeatedly breaking it.

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So next year I want to be fixed and happy,  but it’s not just exercise or meds that will do that it’s me and loving myself more than anyone in the world and also just letting go. Taking a chance on happiness and letting myself get excited about things and enjoy living.

All this time I realised I’ve been putting my life on hold because I’m so scared of something bad happening again and ruining it all. So i don’t date men I don’t even tidy my house like I should do, I suppose it’s just been easier to stay a little miserable…

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