Double blogging always means an eventful day or lots to talk about and reflect on.
Ok so cancer has made me a bit of a control freak. I see that. I don’t remember being like it before. I’ve changed. This is the newer me. It wasn’t a concious decision to become more controlling or a perfectionist it’s just what happened to me slowly.
The only way I can explain it is I have no control over cancer. If it comes back or it spreads. That scares the shit out of me and my heart is racing while I type those words.
But I have control over making everything amazing and perfect and doing something with this life I have. It’s different now. Before I had all the time in the world to acheive and make something of my life.
If you wern’t sure if cancer was gonna get you soon or in the next few years ask yourself would you not want to do everything now and make everything great? Trust me when I say I’ll do it tomorrow does not feature in my vocabulary these days.
But I know it can be more damaging than good at times. When I’m working on things at home or at work I don’t switch off and don’t sleep properly. I can be demanding and have very high expectations because I think people think like me and they don’t why should they?
I realise I need to step back sometimes but the truth is losing that control over things scares me and truth is it’s hard to break a habbit.