Head F**k

My online friend Donna and my friend Jo  died of Breast cancer  I never met Donna but when you talk to someone for a year or 2 online you begin to feel like you know each other really well. I met jo when we were diagnosed at roughly the same time. Now she’s dead aged 30. She got married ten days ago and has 2 babies. I saw photos of her and she was so thin I was shocked. Even looking so poorly and frail she still looked beautiful. She was beautiful inside and out. 

I was really shocked when I heard the news because one minute you’re chatting away with someone and the next minute they’ve died. It all happens so quickly and every time it happens I can’t quite get my head around the unfairness of it all.

It’s a strange feeling knowing that you’re surviving but someone  else hasn’t been so lucky. You thank god it’s not you but at the same time you feel guilty and start comparing how good a person you are compared to the one who didn’t make it (at least I do). Yet we all know surviving cancer has nothing to do with how nice a person you are, it’s purely luck and science.

The truth is when someone dies we miss them and we’re sad and we wish they could still be here but our lives go on. People forget about you it seems quite quickly.  You put all this effort in to living and being a good person making memories making friends and then you die and that’s sort of it. People do their shopping and laugh with their friends and life carries on the same. It’s kind of sad really.

I hope this post doesn’t upset anyone I just wanted to be honest. I’ve lost too many ladies now. I’m almost becoming immune to the sadness because so many people I’ve known die. Isn’t that terrible? Death has hardened me.

After telling me I can’t be tested for faulty genes because I don’t know my family history 18 months on they’ve told me I’m now eligible. I’d resigned myself to not knowing and now this has thrown everything on its head again. If I test positive I have to tell my kids and I have a higher chance of my kids getting cancer or me having cancer again and again. Or it could be negative and I will have peace of mind.

What a head fuck!


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