It’s always been said that when you’re in real trouble or desperate need you will see people’s true colours. People can’t deal with the stress, they don’t have the patience with you. It’s an inconvenience to their lives. You and cancer I mean.
There’s a time limit in their minds. I’m constantly hearing “Oh you should be over it now.” Or “here we go again” or mid argument once someone said “so what I don’t care you had cancer.” Maybe they were drunk maybe they meant it, either way the cold callousness can be hard to deal with and accept and has lead to anger and resentment on my part.
There’s a huge difference in people not understanding and not caring. People who don’t understand say nothing or make some effort in saying something but you can tell someone who is empathetic from someone who is not. People who don’t care generally have a lot to say and will let it be known what they think whether it’s nice or not.
My family care but they say the wrong things most of the time although my dad does want me to be over it I know that but I think he doesn’t want me to feel down. My friends care and actually even the 1 or 2 who’ve not had cancer have been really kind and patient.
Most of my anger isn’t to do with the cancer or why me anymore but the frustration of dealing with other people. In short it all has accumulative affect. The more small minded people i have to deal with the more the anger festers until I’m drunk and then boom it will come out just like people’s true colours come out.
So i don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to get involved in debates or beg people to try to understand. I don’t have to engage, it’s my choice to walk away and it’s my choice how to react. The definition of insanity is doing the same over and over expecting a different result. I’m not insane I’m fully aware of what I’m doing so I must stop.
I’ve decided not to talk about cancer anymore or my problems apart from on my blog or online. Accepting people don’t or don’t want to understand has been harder than the cancer itself and the possibility of an early death I see that now. But I can protect myself from being hurt. It’s up to me now.