Well I am back to reality and it’s always depressing after coming back from an amazing time abroad isn’t it?
Nothing much has really changed, apart from me I guess. In San Fran I had a lot of time to think. A lot of time in the open air, walking and riding my bike. It gives you perspective and clarity.
I realised that I am free to be happy and to chose my conversations and whom I converse with freely. I also made a promise to myself that the holiday was the start of me fully moving on from cancer and the worry about it returning. Of course there will always be elements of worry, probably for as long as I live, but I want to knock the tears and being frightened or angry on the head. It’s not nice for anyone, and not fair. People will only understand to a point and then I will push them away- I’m good at that.
It’s not like I don’t have anyone to talk to, or nobody who understands, I do. But I have seen that when I am having fun and when I am happy I don’t even feel the need to talk about breast cancer- that’s a real achievement in itself. So I keep telling myself that I could be better, I could be nicer, but so could others. We are all trying to be the best version of ourselves, aren’t we?
So I spoke to the genetics clinic yesterday and they are sending me an appointment for my blood test to test for the BRCA faulty genes. I want it done, but I am scared of the results and I really hope luck is on my side.
A faulty gene is not good news, and may mean having my ovaries out, not to mention my children may have inherited the gene.
Let’s hope it’s all going to be ok