I thought long and hard about this post. What I wanted to say, how I wished to conclude. But it’s a blog and no forethought is really needed in order to write from the heart, and that’s what I’ve always done, so I’m not about to change that now!
Tomorrow marks 2 years since my diagnosis of grade 3 stage 2 breast cancer. It’s surreal and difficult to explain in a nutshell what the last two years have been like but honestly most of it has been a blur. I feel like getting through every day has been a daily battle which is only just starting to get easier now.
Having cancer takes it out of you. It tests you to the limit. It tests your body, your patience, your strength your friendships and reevaluates your life and your raison d’être.
I was a normal woman who probably drank too much and did not look after my body very well. I ate a lot of crap I experimented with drugs when I was younger, life was about having a good time, yet only now I see that all of that was just to numb the dull uninteresting life I lead. Of course, none of this meansthat I deserved to get cancer at 33, how could I have predicted that?
If we are talking about karma I have mostly been a good person who cares a lot about others and how they feel. I’ve always tried to be fair kind and understanding. Anyway karma did not pay me kindly, so I have accepted that it was a case of bad luck.
Cancer taught me that sometimes in life you don’t know why things happen and you will never get answers. You simply must accept this and not spend your life wanting answers for everything.
The whole experience turned me in to a china doll. Fragile and needy. Having never being needy in my life before suddenly I needed everyone to love me, hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok. Anyone who was cold towards me who didn’t treat me with kid gloves would be on the receiving end of my tantrums/outbursts. This was not skewed perception reader, people were very cold and often horrible and I won’t lie, this hurt a lot and has destroyed a lot of my trust and faith in humanity.
Nevertheless 2 years has passed and I am no longer that china doll. I am strong. I am fearless. I learned to love myself, laugh at myself and truly value myself like never before.
I will never be able to answer if cancer was a good thing to happen to me. It’s a question that plagues me every day. I can only conclude that it was indeed a double edged sword. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me, but also the best thing to ever happen to me. Weird right?
It’s not over. Maybe it’ll never be over. But one things for sure I am not consciously fighting anymore. I’m at ease, relaxed and hopeful for my future and longevity.
So I’m ending on a high. It’s been a lot of fun writing, and I hope I’m living proof that no matter how bad life gets, things always get better in time.