Cry me a river

I read that breast cancer patients report memory loss,cognitive  impairment and an inability to focus on any task or thought after treatment. I have all of these problems. My short term memory is non existant. It’s something I’ve had to adjust to. I don’t know if this is post traumatic stress related, all the drugs I’ve had or a combination of the two. Nobody knows why this happens not even doctors.

Waking up in the morning is stressful. It takes me a while to know what day it is, where I am, what happened the night before etc… 

But even worse still is my frantic thought process. I’ve always been a worrier and think too much, but this is off the scale. I am like a hamster on acid on its wheel. I can’t shut down and relax. I can’t think about something for very  long without thinking about something else. Before I know it there are 100s of tabs open in my brain, slowing me down. 

Also I can’t cry. I want to cry sometimes I get the urge but nothing happens. I thought this was what I wanted (the feelings numbed) but now I think I’ve gone too far the other way. Maybe im no longer in need of any serotonin? I can’t go back to the dark place though. Gosh why does everything need to be so complicated?!   A profound hungover thought: perhaps some things are too far gone to salvage. Too much has happened and too much time has passed. I’m a fixer, I like to save people and situations. As much as it hurts its out of my control this just makes me even more certain that I need to start a new chapter, a fresh start  Without being constantly reminded of it all. By no means a sole reason just a small part of why change is a coming…

 

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