I always joke to myself that if I stopped writing about life, and cancer etc… I could write a book about dating, at least my awful dating experiences anyway!
I’ve had some shockers of first dates, and whilst I prefer to keep my love life fairly private, I thought it might be quite funny to share a few first date horror stories with you. I was inspired to write this after another shocker of a first date last night, although saying that, last nights date is rather less shocking in comparison to the other two stories, but I will let you decide.
A few years ago I went on an online date after breaking up with my boyfriend at the time. I wasn’t in the right mind frame to date, but back then I was a lot more selfish and just wanted to take my mind off of who it was I was going out with at the time.
So I went on this date and I can’t remember his name, but I know it was something posh like Crispen or Tarquin or something else equally hideous
Anyway, this guy was not my type at all on first glance, and I found myself getting drunker and drunker in an attempt to make him seem a bit more desirable and enjoy the date. This was easy because he kept plying me with drinks. This probably should have been a warning signal from the start, but I accepted the red wine in copious amounts and the sambuca shots, and then somehow, and I know I am potentially making myself sound like a bit of a slut here, I ended up at this guys flat!
Now this guys flat was expensive, in my drunken state I could still see that and it became apparent that he was also a total letch. He was letching all over me, and I started to think this was a very bad idea, and was a bit concerned about myself and my safety. Then all of a sudden I thought I need to leave, but I felt the massive urge to vomit, and vomit I did. Projectile. All over his white bathroom. Everything was white in fact. It was like a window display at the White Company.
Not anymore though, because all the red wine I drank came back up the exact same colour as it was when it went down. Dark red. Letch’s bathroom now resembled a scene from American psycho. I then made a half hearted attempt to clean up the mess, and quickly left. Would you believe he was still trying to get me in to bed after all of that?! Ugh.
So after that night I vowed never to get drunk on a first date again, or ever go back to a strangers house!
Then there was a date with a self confessed hitman, ok he didn’t actually hurt people he just found the people that did it for him except, according to him it was ok because no one got really hurt or killed, just roughed up a bit. Oddly enough I never saw him again, although he seemed quite confused as to why I wasn’t impressed by his job?
So on to last nights date which was (you’ve guessed it) a disaster too. The guy launched in to some rant about women being out for what they can get on first dates and milking the guy for his money and that’s why he only ever buys one drink. Ok then…
I didn’t bloody beat cancer to go out with a tight arse like that. It’s not even the money it’s the principal and his morals are all wrong. So, I told him as tactfully as I could that this revelation was off putting, and then he had the cheek to call me “Blunt!” I call it honest, but tomayto, tomarto, who cares. I wasn’t sticking around. So I just upped and left him sitting there with his half a bottle of Corona and flounced off. I felt like Beyonce!
Anyway, I hope you’ve had a good laugh at my expense reader. I know I laugh at myself and my dating disasters, or I would probably cry and never go on another date again…
Until the next time then.