You know when you’re trying to understand the reason for your happiness, is it one thing or a combination of things, or is it just the element of time, time naturally moving on enabling one to forget about the misery or trauma that came before?
It’s easy to blame ourselves for things. Blame ourselves for our unhappiness, blame ourselves for being in a bad mood or being unkind when sometimes deeper things are going on and we need to make allowances for ourselves a bit more. Yes I’m talking about cancer here but also when my mum died and I was working, I went through a mean stage too.
You see nearly everyone expects you to be this certain way, even if your life is falling apart. We are the master of fakers. Europeans know it in fact we recently joked about how English people never answer properly when asked the monotonous “how are you?” It’s monotonous because it’s always the same stupid answer- “I’m fine.” God forbid anyone tells the truth when being asked.
There’s not a lot of compassion going around. Even when I had my recent operation it was quite clear that some found it a burden and an annoyance when I asked for help with things physically. It’s not even about the kicking off or childishness or my own frustration that I couldn’t do something basic (I don’t give a shit about that)- it’s about the emotional ordeal.
The whole 2 years of treatment and operations and scans makes you feel unsure of everything and vulnerable and you desperately want people to be kind to you. Anyway I learned that people are not always kind, or forgiving even if you’re going through tough times and I’ve learned to accept that and then get away from people like that.
So my life is so much happier now and I think not talking about cancer anymore is definitely a factor and that’s not because I feel like I can’t, it’s just inevitable that eventually I don’t need to talk about it so much. I don’t have to deal with anyone’s reactions or cold treatment.
Nobody can let me down it’s brilliant.