My biggest battle is the one with my mind.

So I’m pretty sure they would like to do phase 2 of my surgery this year but I would prefer to delay it. I don’t feel like I can go through another surgery feeling like THIS. (THIS = fucked off and falling apart). 

I must stop reading Daily mail comments from vile people regarding celebs in bikinis. The things they say about women’s boobs are truly mean and it effects my self esteem. This is why I can never understand women who don’t want reconstruction, when the world out there is often so cruel and judgemental. They are braver women than me with higher self esteem. Sometimes I wonder why looking good is so important to me. I dislike myself for it because it’s pretty shallow. 

Anyway I have my bone scan next week and as usual my back is worse than ever probably as a result of stress.  I flit between being confident it’s nothing, and freaking myself out that I’ll need more chemo. 

When all is said and done there are people there to ease my worries, but there’s no one there to soothe my mind. My biggest battle you see is not with cancer, but with my mind.  

You don’t ever stop the worrying, you just learn to deal with it more effectively as time goes on. You become better at making things sound more positive in your head. For example-I’m having a bone scan to rule out any cancer spread in my bones as opposed to-I’m having a bone scan in case I have stage 4 cancer which is incurable and will kill me. 

This all equates to a fairly melancholy blog post I’m afraid. But it is what it is. 


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