Sunny days and Mondays

How cold are the mornings now? You can certainly feel the temperature has dropped! It’s always much less of a struggle getting out of bed when the sun is shining though. I think so anyway.  Sunshine is my yellow liquid happiness. 

If you read my blog you will know that I have trouble regulating my happiness-some deficiency  in my brain or something of happy chemicals. 

It’s always hard to say after cancer whether you have actual real depression or whether it’s the shock and fear, or whether you feel depressed about the whole cancer situation. 

I think for me it was a trigger; in other words some are prone to it and have triggers that start the whole depressive cycle. Cancer must be pretty high up there as a trigger. 

Whilst I could go down the road of how shitty depression is and how many sad things have happened in my life, I won’t do the woe is me thing, because everyone has struggles and this is a positive happy tale. 

So anyway I did the whole happy pills thing. People say you shouldn’t take them but unless you’ve been in the same situation you don’t qualify to voice an opinion. 

They really made a big difference Along with a better diet, less alcohol, and more exercise. But the thing is I became numb. Numb to emotion at all, sometimes I’d want to cry and be sad but it just wouldn’t happen. I wasn’t affectionate, I had NO sex drive at all- like David Beckham could turn up naked at my door and I wouldn’t want to shag him!

But you get used to feeling a certain way, and in my mind feeling numb towards everything was better than feeling sad.

Anyway 3 weeks ago I stopped taking the happy pills. I cut down at first so I didn’t feel a crash and then I just stopped. It’s a big step for me and another milestone moving on from the cancer.

I feel ok, and I feel real emotion again. The other day I watched something on TV and I cried. It actually felt good.  

 Oh David Beckham hasn’t turned up at my door yet but if he does I’ll be sure to let you know… šŸ˜‰



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