I did it again!
I made it (-1 day) to another birthday! 3 more birthdays since cancer. Previously I was feeling uneasy about it- you know the whole “why am I even being grateful to be here at 36” rant, but that’s a pride thing and pride is a bit icky sometimes and gets in the way of rationale.
I feel a tad ungrateful though, as I barely give the people who helped me along the way a second thought. The doctors and NHS and nurses and surgeons. It’s not because I don’t think I don’t owe them my life, it’s just because it all happens so quickly and you barely have time to think about what is going on at the time.
But they did save my life. The cancer could have been missed initially- in fact it almost was. But a repeat ultrasound showed suspicious areas.They were so thorough. I’ll never forget the look on their faces when we’d gone from “you definately don’t have cancer” to, “I think you have cancer.”
People say to me, don’t look back at what could have been. Don’t scare yourself. But I can’t help it. The fact is if they hadn’t have spotted it that day, that tiny cluster of cells, I’d surely not be here now. The cancer was fast growing and agressive feeding off my hormones. The tumour was 2.7cm not huge but that doesn’t matter. It had escaped and was filtrating my lymph nodes. I would have been one of those people they talked about, they would have said “She died too young.” I would have been a bloody cliche! (But I wasn’t going to let that happen)...
Instead, I’m the one they talk about; that survivor who’s living her life! (At least that’s what I hope people say)!Sure my life’s not perfect, but that’s ok by me..