I can never Just be…

I hate the feeling of disappointment. I understand that things happen and people inevitably let you down but I hate it all the same. 

I was meant to have an appointment today to talk about next steps, but a miscommunication means my biopsy results from last week aren’t through so I have to wait another week. A week to your friend and your family and your doctors is a week. A week to me and others waiting for these type of results is a very long time. It’s not just about the results. I’ve had to stop taking my medication which protects me against breast cancer. It’s now 3 months I’ve been unprotected and until I get the results I cannot retake it. I wonder what is going in my body. If my cells are behaving and not having some manic mulitiplying rave in there. 

I’ve picked up some kind of fluey head cold and everything feels worse than it probably is. You know those days you wish you didn’t have to get out of bed? This was one of them. Making small talk with people is hard when you’ve got so much on your mind. It’s draining- even talking to my family. I’m not there. I’m  just vacant. There’s no one home at the moment.

I’m annoyed that I’m so far away from my five years. Time is dragging. I know if I hit the magic five I won’t feel like this anymore. Everything will be ok. 

 

I  suppose in a nutshell I feel sad, and dissapointed in myself  that I’m alive and I don’t feel very happy, spending much of my time  worrying and upset. As such I’m   wasting this life I’ve been given but I do not know how to just be-I can never just be…

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