When you doubt everything.

Do you ever find stuff out and then start to doubt everything you ever knew about something? Once the seed has been planted, doubt grows wildly out of control like an ugly weed in your head. 

It’s funny. I never would have ever said I had problems trusting people before, but I think that cancer changed me and made me realise that nothing is certain and people let you down. People say they are going to be there or do something for you and they don’t keep their promises. If people can’t keep their promises when you are critically ill then why would they when you’re fine and dandy in comparison. Think about it.. I’ve seen the worst in people when I needed them the most, so now I just think it’s an automatic that I will feel let down at some point. 

I know I can be vulnerable and it takes a lot for me to open up to someone. I always have this voice in the back of my head saying “don’t do it. Don’t share intimate thoughts with anyone. It’ll bite you on the arse.” 

This week my jumbled thoughts and  anxious mind are in full swing while  I’m grieving this week.  I envy people who still have their mums around. The last few days in November are always tough and time for reflection. 

But…it’s not all doom and gloom. The great news is-currently I’m looking forward to Christmas! That has to be a first from me.  I need to keep going on dates with the same guy so I get some Christmas presents 😂  

 

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