I am brave. (And scared too).

I’ve tried to write this blog so many times tonight. The reason I’m struggling to write about the subject of  honesty is because, well…it requires a great deal of honesty! Haha funny huh?

In the last year there’s been 2 or 3 experiences that have affected me enough where I’ve needed to be very honest with another. I guess mostly for selfish reasons; to ease my mind, ease my worries, settle those doubts. If I really feel something I need to say it. Anyway this kind of honesty on these occasions have mostly backfired. This makes me feel terribly guilty because I’ve possibly upset another or made them feel uncomfortable. I don’t intend to do that-I just forget that everybody isn’t like me!

I’ve explained before on previous blogs about taking risks and being braver since I nearly died. The scariest thing to most is being honest, vulnerable and being humiliated. Perhaps you’d disagree but it’s up there. It’s scary to me too but I care a little less about the consequence. I suppose I care a little less because of the nights spent crying in my room when I was diagnosed thinking I would be dead in a year and would leave my kids behind. It was quite frankly terrifying, and I would have done anything for someone to have taken that fear away.

So, I always compare everything to that time in my life but also I see having a second chance at life as an opportunity  to communicate what I think and feel. To be real. Quite the contradiction, I am the most open person you might ever meet but I am  also very secretive. When I had a year of counselling post-cancer she said I was  a big contradiction and difficult to get to know. But after years of traumatic events I think that I forgot how to just be me. 

You know when you question yourself, your traits, even the ones you thought were admirable? You realise that actually, to others, they are annoying or unattractive or even scary?! Do you tone you down or do you say fuck it and carry on being yourself?  

 Anyway I’m doing a good job on the enjoying Christmas front. It’s a hard time of year for me but lots of people have things far harder than I do and I must be grateful for everything I have because I have so much. 

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