Last night I didn’t plan on staying awake all night and re-evaluating my life but that’s what happened.
I was doing really well. I’d moved on in many ways at least so I thought. I’d accepted the changes to my body to some degree. I’d stopped thinking about dying all the time. I’d opened up to the idea of dating and finding someone to settle down with.
I finished 6 months of counselling a year ago. We agreed I was ready. When I was having the counselling it was mostly about the cancer and to help with the fear but also the self-loathing re my body and of myself (for not coping well enough). Becky was just amazing. Finding a counsellor is a bit like finding a husband. You need to click and feel totally at ease with them.
So I hated my body and I was seeing or talking to the wrong men. Men that were never going to be mine because there was less to lose and I didn’t have to put myself on the line. So I’d choose or attract anyone who was totally wrong for me. Guys much younger than me, really shy guys, unavailable guys. It was just easier. Not all of them were in to me but some were and some were hooked I suppose because I can be very charming.
The funny thing is all the time I was paying attention to these unsuitable guys there were lots of good guys. I didn’t really want them though and quickly found fault with them. This is a habbit I fell in to at some point. A dangerous unfulfilling habbit of not allowing myself real happiness.
In the early hours I came to the conclusion I’ve made little progress in 2 and a half years since the cancer with how much I love and value myself and how deserving I think I am of wonderful things. That’s a real blow.
But I also think it’s just taking me a bit longer than others to move on emotionally from this experience and that’s ok. I am not ashamed or too proud. I think and feel deeply about things. It doesn’t detract from the fact I am a happy person who laughs a lot and loves life.
It’s ok to start over again isn’t it?