I want to live, not just survive.

It’s not often I want to fast forward time, and if there’s one thing I want to learn to enjoy more it’s being in the present. There’s plenty of time to practice at that though.

This year I’ve felt well compared to the two previous years, but I’ve been in my protective bubble. I haven’t allowed myself to be liberated or completely free. I stopped going out enjoying myself, telling myself it’s because many of my friends have settled down or I’m too old for it now and bored of it. Reality is I’ve become too scared to go out and let my hair down like I used to. Not having control is scary.

In this protective bubble, life is a bit dull .It’s regimented and predictable. But above all it’s safe.  I don’t know how others post-cancer just switch back to the old them and love life? I am not able to do that yet not properly. 

I’ve become so pre-occupied with surviving I forgot how to live!  Surviving is not living. It’s preferable to dying but it’s not living. 

When I had the cancer taken out and lost my hair going through treatment, I didn’t want to shower for days. I did wash if I was going out, but I really couldn’t be bothered, and I had to force myself. It took me ages to enjoy having a shower again. I mean ages! I think in the shower it was really obvious I was physically a completely different girl.  I’m not sure what the reasoning behind the not showering was, but it just seemed okay to mention here as its probably connected somehow.

Maybe I struggle a bit with normality- the normal things I did pre-cancer. It’s easy for people to tell me I should be over it or I’m only cheating myself but it’s just hard to forget. It’s like I have one foot in the old me and one in the controlled regimented me. I’m unable to make that jump.

In contradiction to my opening paragraph I want to fast forward the rest of the year and have that fresh start. If someone asked me how this year had been I would say non-eventful and pretty dull. Not allowing myself amazing opportunities. 

But here’s to brighter and better next year.. And a lot more bloody fun! đŸ™‚

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