Last Christmas I hit rock bottom and was in a very difficult and sad place. I remember being very hard on myself. I was only 1 year on from finishing chemotherapy and radiotherapy; of course I was fragile and very frightened which was generally expressed by tears (sometimes anger).
Anyway the doctor put me on antidepressants because I couldn’t go a day without crying-I didn’t know why I was crying but I know I felt deeply unhappy.
Anyway, I don’t take the drugs anymore because I got better. People say that you can snap out of it with exercise but maybe they’ve never known what feeling truly hopeless and unhappy after trauma is really like.
I know people who’ve had cancer who have literally shrugged it off and outwardly it didn’t seem to phase them-not like it did me. Some people judged me along the way for feeling the way I did. It made me feel worse. I already hated myself for not coping very well.
But actually I did cope well. I coped in my own way, a way that was right for me. Going through breast cancer made me depressed and it made me angry. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t mostly a positive person who wasn’t hopeful for the future.
It feels good to know that I’m not perfect and I’ll never be fixed and all better, but in comparison to last year I’m feeling happier and I guess I’m feeling proud.
The best gift I could have this Christmas is to be happy, alive and well. I think I got what I wanted…