I certainly spoke too soon with regard to my last blog post. I actually feel like deleting it but I try to keep all blog posts as its how I think and feel at the time. Just like real time thoughts, our mood and opinions change quite regularly, but I suppose it’s more embarrassment than anything.”Ooh look at me I’m doing so well!” Next day- meltdown-Oh no she didn’t!
I am a human yoyo. Although I’m not rocking depression these days I can have depressive moods particularly after drinking alcohol. Alcohol is a depressant and everybody suffers the next day after over indulging, but I’m very affected. It’s a vicious circle. I drink to have fun and numb some of my reality-the things I want to forget. The next day I feel worse than I did when I started. I shouldn’t drink at all really, apart from the fact I’m mostly not a nice drunk it’s also dangerous for breast cancer ladies. People say that alcohol brings out the real you but I disagree. It just magnifies everything x 10. There is literally no filter.
Whilst I hate being so up and down, I feel lucky that I don’t have a mental illness that severely affects my day to day life. I have friends who have parents who are bipolar and schizophrenic so it feels ok to talk about this here, and I’m sure that I’ve inherited something that makes me overthink and get down in the dumps so much. My natural mother has schizophrenia which happened almost overnight when she was 18. She was and I quote: “A Manchester beauty queen” and my family tell me that she was a sweet and kind person and fought very hard to keep me but I was unsafe being a very tiny five pound newborn in her care. They tried to put me with my aunt but my mum kept coming round in the middle of the night in her pajamas in the pouring rain to see me and it just wasn’t a viable option.
I know a few adopted people and I know that they struggle so much with being given up and abandoned (which did happen to me but further down the line but that’s another story). The thing is my mum really wanted to keep me and I was loved, but the circumstances were difficult and that was that. But back to my point about feeling sad and troubled. Perhaps it’s all genetic?
A sad story, and it does get more sad and actually the amount of unhappy events in my life is almost embarrassing- to the point where you would say are you fucking kidding me? I mean I feel sorry for some people who’ve had it hard too but nobody wants pity do they? This is why I get so annoyed with people who bang on about creating your own luck. It’s not that simple and some of us are dealt bad cards over and over.
Anyway this has been a bit of a purge hasn’t it? A pre-Christmas purge. But I needed it x