I have good days and bad days- I am me 

There’s a great hashtag on Twitter right now called Chemo then and now. It’s aimed at women starting chemotherapy this Christmas. 

Treatment is daunting as you don’t know what to expect or how you will react to the drugs. I always think chemo for bc patients is worse due to the losing all hair aspect, you don’t tend to lose hair with other chemos for other cancers. It can be a kick in the teeth for women when not only do they feel like shite, they look like shite with no hair and weight gain from the steroids. Bummer!

So I had a lot of love last night from my then and now photos. People are so lovely sometimes.  I do look like a different lady and I used a before photo of me on a good day wearing make up as I didn’t want to scare anyone.

Christmas 2013 was special as I’d reached the end of treatment. My hair was sparse but it was very exciting to see hair coming through even if it was mostly white?!

  And now, Christmas 2015, no one would ever know I had 20 weeks of chemo or I had scars and breast reconstruction visibly I look like a normal healthy woman. 

I think whilst a blessing I look like I do  today, it’s also a bit of a curse. I no longer look sick but who knows what’s going on inside my body as I live in the will it return limbo? Mentally I’m living with the mess- the aftermath, so much stronger and more together than 2 years ago but also still fragile sometimes and frightened. Occasionally needing to be held and told it’s ok a bit like a baby really. 

I’ve really had to seek people out to be my comrades-my emotional supporters because I didn’t have a husband or a mum going through it- I had no one saying to me I was doing ok. My dad was always practical and not one to say “I’m proud of you” or be affectionate.

So I feel like I’m in this deficit I suppose- I feel angry that I didn’t really have anyone- not a constant anyway, But it’s something I really want to deal with better in 2016.

 

Sometimes a smile hides a lot of pain, but it also says I have good days and bad days, and I am me. 

Advertisements

2 Comments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s