Uh-oh double blog! Regular readers know that that means there’s a lot going on or I’m a bit stressed. I decided to make this my last blog post of 2015 because I’m going to leave myself and the reader with a few thoughts to ponder on AND I need a nice break from writing.
While I was washing up tonight I had this thought about how terribly judgemental we all are. We all jump to conclusions and don’t take time out to think about things or wonder why people are the way they are. We can’t be bothered to scratch at the surface or talk to each other we just make our assumptions. We don’t try to put ourselves in others shoes. We don’t have time for that.
This isn’t just about cancer it’s about any struggle, nearly everyone struggles in some way. There is such a stigma attached to mental illness for example because people are judgemental hence why nobody talks about it. We are all so quick to be negative and put people down. Why? When did we feel so shitty about ourselves that we started doing that? What about lifting each other up once in a while? Why is it so much easier to give criticism than praise?
Today I read back some of my old blog posts. I wrote a lot about taking time to move on after cancer and it not being a race. I wrote about the new-normal and how bloody tough it is to be alive after cancer. The flowers stopped coming and people stopped asking how things were. Then things got really tough.
One thing I’ve maintained in the 2.5 years since that shitty day is that the hardest part by far of the whole cancer experience is dealing with other people. I never really knew why it upset me and made me angry so much before but now I realise it’s because I feel alone, I feel isolated. It’s a bit like screaming loudly in a dark room in the middle of nowhere in pain and frightened but no one can hear you. When I was sobbing in my room every night after diagnosis I had no one next to me. No one saw or heard me sobbing I did it alone. Perhaps that was the start of campaign “Fuck off everybody” I don’t know?
It’s no one’s fault that I didn’t get enough emotional support when I was going through treatment. It’s nobodies fault that they don’t understand why I act badly or why I’m sometimes emotional. It’s surely the definition of insanity though having the same old conversations with people expecting a different result?
But judging people or being unsupportive is surely not the answer. It’s never the answer. Tolerance and understanding is and once I accept that I cannot change others ideas, mindsets and reactions, perhaps I will be happier and at peace.
This year has been strange. In a way I feel like I’ve wasted much of it. But I’ve learned a lot about me and how even with all the problems in the world I could be more tolerant- so tolerance is what I want in 2016 (and another cancer free year I hope).