Monday marks my fourth anaesthetic in less than 3 years and my third big operation. Each time I’m just as nervous, nauseous and can’t sleep very well.
It has to be said-I take everything in my stride and give off a cool calm persona regarding surgery. Deep down though I am petrified, and I wonder if anything happened would people say it was my fault for being vain? Maybe they’d think it though. It’s not being vain though is it? It’s not improving what I already have, it’s reconstructing body parts that I no longer have.
The thing is with this cancer thing-it makes you feel guilty. Guilty for being absent from work, guilty for being away from your kids, guilty for pushing your body through a massive ordeal. Sometimes I ask myself why the fuck am I doing this again? But the answer comes quickly. I’m doing it because I can, because I refuse to let cancer win (and it’s half won if it left me disfigured or not looking like everybody else). I’m doing it because I’m strong and because I can achieve anything if I want it badly enough. I’m doing it for my self -esteem and my confidence. I’m doing it for all the women who had breast cancer who feel angry and sad that they lost their hair and breast/s. X