I don’t want anyone holding my hand.

One thing that bugs me more than anything is not being able to sleep in on a Saturday. When I was much younger my body clock (or rather lack of body clock) worked in my favour. I was able to get up early in the week and sleep in at weekends. Now my body clock is too efficient and I wake up at the same time without an alarm every day! This must be a getting old thing!

As I always do I ordered new pajamas for my hospital stay, as it’s something that makes me feel better. I’ve got to put on those awful surgery stockings that cut off your circulation and those ugly hospital gowns. You’d think by now someone would have invented stylish hospital wear? The aim seems to be-make patient look as ugly as possible! You’re not even allowed to wear make up AND not forgetting the compulsory  wearing of big disposable knickers-ooh the shame!

As dramatic as this sounds, surgery doesn’t come without risk. There’s always that tiny part of you that thinks I need to get my house in order in case something happens. Each time I have a new  surgery I think about my relationships with people. Are they ok? Are we both happy, or I at least aim to achieve peace where there’s conflict in my life. All of a sudden things that were said and done in the past that hurt me  become less important  now. At a time when I’m  vulnerable again, love and support is crucial. I fully understand what worrying about people feels like and I don’t want anyone to worry about me. 

I am tough and proud and don’t want anyone holding my hand or giving me a hug but it doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes need both.  

 Cancer does make you tougher  and I’ve mostly been too proud to say to people that I need them because then in my mind I would be seen to not be coping. Being seen as weak and needy scares me and it’s a bit pathetic. So I mostly closed myself off from needing people preferring to say 

“I got this.”

  Because I have got this, and I won’t let me down… X

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