For nearly a week now my sleep has been terrible. I keep waking up several times a night having bad dreams. Everybody is horrible in the dreams or picking fights with me. I guess it signifies something? I’m not one to have bad dreams but I notice when I’m worried about something it affects my unconscious.
Yesterday I had this horrible headache and today I still have a headache. I’m probably not drinking enough but I’m so stressed out about this hospital stay. More so than the first op which was huge. This one is easier in comparison. I suppose I’m scared of being on my own and waking up on my own in pain. I don’t know how I’m going to tolerate the op or how I’m going to feel and I resent that I have to go through this surgery in the first place. It’s unfair. I’m sick of hospitals. I’m nearly 3 years on and my life still revolves around needles scans and doctors.
I like to think that I generally have good intentions and people don’t always see that everything I do comes from a good place. But other people don’t really make my life stressful, I invite them in. I engage. I make things stressful for myself.
I always say that you should face up to your problems but sometimes things are just left buried because they simply can’t be resolved. Digging things up again just causes sadness and I have enough on my mind without worrying about what she said/he said.
Did you ever look up to someone and think they were amazing, inspiring even? Only to find out that they weren’t singing your praises to others like you were them? It kinda sucks. I ask myself how did I think so much of someone who thought so little of me?
I really want to relax and switch my mind off for a while-just not think about anything. A head full of fluffy clouds-a blank space. I really need to feel better for tomorrow. X