Every step along the way I’ve been unlucky…

My throat is so sore where they stuck the tube in my mouth during the op and my body just aches. Delayed pain, but my thighs hurt where the bruising has now come out, so I’m unable to sleep on my side which I hate but at least I do sleep well through the night- God bless codeine. 

I’m pretty drowsy but I need to take the drugs to be able to shuffle about. I know I need to be more patient (story of my life) and it will take time to heal and feel good again. 

I’ve spent a fair chunk of my life now in bed being looked after due to cancer be it surgery or chemo it’s all debilitating. I wonder if I’ll ever be normal and if I’ll ever feel healthy again? When I look back at everything I’ve been through it overwhelms me and I don’t even know if the life I lead was worth it all. I think that really disappoints me-I should be doing amazing things with my life and I’m not. 

  I’ve been thinking a lot about blogging and how others perceive  putting your life on the internet for all to see. I know it’s not for everyone, but it’s always helped me and now it’s quite the addiction. I’ve always said I’d rather be open, honest and even emotional rather than someone who is closed off and struggles with their feelings and emotions. I don’t think it’s healthy and I wouldn’t want to live that way. 

People can be very private, even going through cancer, and that’s totally understandable and their choice which I respect. But shutting yourself off can be a lonely way to live.  Occasionally others get defensive about my writing because I think it scares people. Blogging isn’t for everyone but trusting people and being comfortable with the real you is so important.

“Let yourself be open and life will be easier. A spoon of salt in a glass of water makes the water undrinkable. A spoon of salt in a lake is almost unnoticed.” ~ Buddha

So I met a lovely lady in hospital who had breast cancer in 2009, and then it came back in her other breast before spreading to her liver. I almost wished I hadn’t had the conversation as it’s been on my mind and last night I was crying with my family about it-the unfairness of it all and the constant worry.  I said:

“But I’m never lucky. Every step along the way I’ve been unlucky. The odds are never in my favour. That’s what worries me so much-I’m never given a break.”

But my family and friends are right. It’s not going to come back in everyone, just because it happens to others it doesn’t mean it will happen to me. So I readjust those inner positive negative scales and I pray that I will be lucky this time.  

All I need to do is believe that I deserve luck, and deserve to live a long life and I’m half way there.

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2 Comments

  1. Care Across

    Hi Carolina..

    It would have been a surprise if you said you felt lucky.
    But you are right – start readjusting those inner scales… Life can turn upside down in one single moment, but it has this ability to find its way up again.

    Hope you get the lucky break soon..

    Like

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