Thursday blues 

I did not have a good night sleep last night at all. I must have woken up at least 4 times. I don’t think the pain meds are helping my cause. Anyway today I’m grumpy. I feel down in the dumps. It’s quite common to have post surgery blues and I’ve sure got them.

 Being in bed is boring. I try and get up as much as I can but my back is bad and the surgery has made it worse so I can’t lift myself up. I’m 36 years old feeling like 86.  If I get in to position where my back doesn’t hurt my chest hurts-the pain is like a burning pain deep inside. My hips and thighs feel sore too, but not painful. However, it all adds to the overall discomfort.

I can see a blue sky from my bedroom window even though the front bedroom is shaded by trees, the sun is shining through the tiny gaps and reflecting on the window. It’s quite calming and enticing-like someone is beckoning me to go outside. A sunny day can turn  a difficult day in to a tolerable one so I’m rather glad the sun is shining this morning. 

I know that this is temporary and soon I will feel well and be up on my feet again. When the nurse told me at diagnosis that it would be 2-3 years before I would have my reconstruction I didn’t believe her.  But she was right. It’s been a long slog-an emotionally and physically crippling journey and I envy all the women who had lumps cut out or decided to live sans boobs. Who is this all for? Is it  purely for me or is it to look attractive to others? It’s easy to fool yourself along the way. I am the master at doing so. 

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