Misery

I’m not going to pretend the last few weeks were anything like the aforementioned  blog title based on the film Misery. Nobody tied me to my bed and smashed my ankles with a hammer. Whilst not a horror film or enough to give anyone nightmares, these last 3 weeks have been one of the most miserable periods of my life.  

 Firstly, before surgery I was very stressed out and in a bit of a bad place. I had this  headache that just wouldn’t go away and my back hurt. This was because I was worried and scared, and as usual nobody asked me if I was nervous or reassured me about the surgery I was just kind of left with my own worrying thoughts. 

Then to top this off, a couple of people thought it would be a good idea to bring up things that should have been left in the past. These conversations turned in to arguments because I felt that my honesty and good character were being taken advantage of. 

When it was finally time for my anaesthetic I told the nurse I didn’t feel well and I really didn’t. I thought to myself if I can just get through this op, and wake up without a headache and no back pain everything will be ok. So I let them do what they had to do and closed my eyes.

To my relief when I woke up, my headache had gone which was just the best feeling, and I didn’t really feel pain in my back although I was on a lot of synthetic morphine.

When I arrived at my family home, on the Tuesday following the surgery, that’s when the trouble started. When people say they have back pain I used to think it was an exaggeration or an excuse to have some time off work.  I can honestly say having had terrible back pain for 3 weeks now, it is just miserable and depressing. I have had no life. I can’t even bend down to tie my shoes. My family have had to do everything for me.  I’ve got so used to being in bed or sitting in the chair watching TV that I’ve lost all interest in going outside.

The good thing is, I’ve healed from my surgery very quickly. My back is also on the mend, I notice an improvement every day. Nobody knows why I went from pretty active and healthy to unable to get up out of bed almost overnight but I fully believe that it was stress related. I think that stress upset my whole core and all the muscles in my back. 

I’ve been focussing on deep breathing and stretches and just letting go of negative feelings and toxicity. My back is on the mend, but my mind is slower to catch up. Constantly being ill or in pain has a negative effect on your life. it’s like a depression. There’s been a lot of tears and frustration. How did  go from this healthy person to someone who has been plagued by illness and pain for 2 and a half years? It gets you down. It sucks every ounce of  joy out of your life.

Each time I fall off the healthy wagon, I tell myself-this is the end of my troubles now, and everything is going to be ok from now on. Because actually, I truly believe that eventually,everything will be ok. (It just may take a while).

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