Dignity missing.

On Saturday morning I got out of bed and my back  went in to spasm. The pain of back spasms are worse than labour contractions. My abdomen tightens and distends and my back muscles contract. The pain was so intense I could only lean against the bed and pray for it to pass.I was covered in sweat and breathless. I managed to lay across my bed so my feet were hanging out the other side. It was so uncomfortable but I couldn’t move an inch. Throughout the day my back continued to spasm. I spent the whole day screaming and crying. I did not go to the bathroom all day even though I was desperate to pee. 

The early hours of Sunday morning it took me 20 mins to manoeuvre myself in to a position which enabled me to stand up holding on to the end of my bed. I needed the toilet so badly I gave it everything I had. Once I sat on the loo I realised that my left leg and foot had gone completely numb and there was no way I was getting up. 

At 5am I had  to call my father to come and help me. He rubbed my foot and leg until it became less frozen and somehow I managed to get up and he took all of my weight. I was covered up but still my dignity was no more. I thought how has my life got to this? Where did I go wrong? Nobody wants their parent helping them off the toilet!

It’s now Tuesday. I’m still in bed. I can tell you that for four days I’ve barely eaten anything. (For two days I ate nothing). It’s literally impossible to eat lying down but I barely have an apetite. I’m taking so many different drugs I spend a lot of the time asleep. I like being asleep as I don’t feel pain. This is currently my life. Forcing myself in to drug induced sleep wasting the days away.

Everyone suffers though, not just me. My friends my family, my job. As much as people love me and care (and I’m sure people feel sorry for me), I’m an inconvenience. A burden. The guilt is unbearable sometimes. Not just the back problems but all the health problems over the last 3 years put together. My family have had to look after me through cancer and surgeries and here we are again with my back. I’m meant to be the one who looks after people, who gets the job done.

I hope to have an MRI scan soon as I need a reason for why this is happening. I’m sure it’s muscular and not cancer in the bones but nothing is ever certain. I know that stress and anxiety are no good. If I feel anxious or worried everything gets tight. I’ve been told to think positively and tell myself I’m going to get better. I guess it can’t hurt. 

Anyone  else with chronic back pain out there?  What’s your experience been like? 


  1. Oscar Dandelion

    Sorry to hear about your suffering. I’ve chronic pain from physical trauma, inflammation and nerve damage, it’s in my back, legs and hip – and head if you count the migraines it triggers. All the best with getting the help you need. Hugs 🐻


      1. Oscar Dandelion

        Try to get the best medical help you’re able to. I try to live the best I can – despite all the pain and mobility problems there are still good things in life. All the best. 🙂


  2. anonymous

    Hey there. So sorry you are going through this. Huge downer and very scary. I had similar symptoms and was convinced it was muscular. Unfortunately for me, it turned out to be bone mets in the hip and spine.

    I would definitely recommend an MRI as soon as you can get one. And hopefully, you will be all muscle spasm. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

    The good news is that with palliative radiation, I was up and about within two days.

    Again I’ll send good thoughts that that’s not part of your journey.

    As far as feeling like a burden, understandable. But if you anywhere near as lovely as your blog, your family is lucky to be able to support you in any way.


  3. livinginalimitedword

    I have one questions for you. Why do you think you are the one who should be looking after others? None of us are born into any role, life puts us where we are. It’s totally shitty and no one wants to be here, but I know without a doubt, no one sees you as a burden. If they didn’t love you, if they didn’t want to care for you and totally appreciate the very fact you are alive, they would dump you at the nearest hospital entrance and never look back. Take all that guilt and throw it away, NOW. You have more than enough to deal with, without guilt. Yes, we all feel it, but it has to be put in perspective, otherwise, you are going to destroy yourself psychologically. If you are mentally strong, the rest of you, get’s stronger too. What others do for you, is love, not duty. All they ask from you is get better and to love them back.

    Find your inner strength, we all have it. Take care (((Hugs)))


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