The crazy thoughts we have.

Yesterday got off to a bad start but then I had a better afternoon and was able to shuffle about a bit. The morphine is good stuff although it does make me sleepy and it makes my body jolt involuntarily  while I’m sleeping which startles me- a side effect I hate. 

I’m not sure if it’s the morphine that’s leading me to think dark thoughts or just because I’m worried and my mind likes to wander a little but yesterday I started panicking that I’ve still not made a will which is terrible considering, and then I started thinking about my funeral. 

I actually hate funerals and I think that people have them because they think it’s the done thing. I can not think of anything worse than having half a church full of people I’ve barely spoken to, or I’ve fallen out with or family that have never once called up and asked how I am since I was diagnosed. Bad taste pun but over my dead body would I want any of the above there. So my “Celebration of life” will be far removed from funeral with as few people there as possible. 

Ive been thinking about my friend Elizabeth a lot who passed away from secondary breast cancer. She was in a wheelchair at the end, I imagine due to bone pain from where the cancer had spread. I miss her so much she was beautiful and a wonderful person. Thinking of her has made me think about whether I will ever need a wheelchair as it often feels like I’m never going to get better. 

 I spoke to my eldest daughter about it and she said on the plus side if I did end up in a wheelchair, we would get priority access at Thorpe park and Disney. Sometimes I think she is my carbon copy-her humour is identical to mine.  I could never get annoyed with her often nochalent responses when talking about cancer because I know it’s just a cover-up-her way of dealing with things. Plus she makes me laugh when I feel down.

So you see aches and pains in my back have semi-convinced me that my cancer has metastasised to my spine. That I will be in a wheelchair and I should be thinking about my funeral. Yes it’s crazy, sure it’s jumping to conclusions, but welcome to the world of cancer and anxiety. This is the true definition of fear that plagues survivors. The true cost of surviving. 

 At the moment I live in chronic pain. Nobody can tell me what the pain is which makes me worry and feel stressed. 

Pain—–>Worry——>Stress——->more pain…

I’m trapped in this cycle. 

But maybe I simply have chronic back pain? Time will tell.





  1. Lia Brown

    I hate it that you are in such pain! I have a colleague that lives with chronic pain and it is not fun! Pain is always a panic attack waiting to happen, and it is part of our life after cancer! Panic attacks bring on physical and mental pain, and slows the healing process! I am sure what you are going through is going to get better but until then hang in there! Spring into spring with positive thoughts and attitude! I just want to give you a big hug my darling! Love Lia xx


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