Talking is better.

I never thought I’d describe myself as anxious. But today 11 March 2016, I’m admitting that I have some sort of anxiety disorder. 

Day to day things seem fine. I don’t really feel anxious at least not consciously. It’s at night in my sleep it comes out to play. 

The other night I lay on the sofa not being able to move anywhere else to sleep due to my back pain. I woke up twice, rigid as a board and in pain. My stomach muscles were contracted as were my back muscles, but I couldn’t release them. My breathing was shallow. I was taking way too many breaths. I was in a panic. I called my dad to give me some morphine and sit with me for a while then I drifted off. This is not the first time this has happened. It’s been going on for months.

  The next day (yesterday) I did not move at all. I was in pain all over my body. I sat on the sofa all day. Embarrassingly I weed in a bucket using my camping female device. I couldn’t make it to the toilet. I looked at my reflection. I haven’t brushed my hair in 2 weeks. I look destitute. I kept wondering over and over, what have I become?  How did it get to this? And then it hit me. 

I spoke to my dad and I said:

 “My life is like a huge pile of dirty dishes. Each one filthy, hard to scrub clean. They’ve just been left and the pile has mounted up and up to the celing and now it’s toppled over, or at least it’s began to topple.” 

  I am anxious and have moments of panic. The doctor says I may even have mild PTSD. 

I am very good at blocking things out. When so much shit happens it becomes your defence mechanism. I said to my dad so many friends I met along the way died. They were young like me. It’s upsetting, unsettling and it frightens me. I then said that I worry my dad won’t always be here and if I get sick ill have no one to look after me. Outwardly I don’t really worry about my dad dying but subconsciously I do and it just so happened that this fear was brought to the forefront of my mind. 

All of the worry and fear has been manifesting itself in my body. My subconscious feels so much pain and sadness that now my body feels the pain too. I thought by blogging I was offloading and doing better than others for doing so. But you have to mentally deal with each issue or it just comes to bite you later. 

Then something happened. After this chat yesterday I slept better than I have in ages. I had no pain or panic in the night. Then this morning I pulled myself up and walked around for 15 minutes. The pain in my back had diminished a great deal. 

I believe that there has to be a correlation between  fear and pain you feel in your body. If I want to live a pain free life I need to find ways of dealing with the fear and the anxiety. 

It’s all in my hands. X

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