As much as I’m a proud person, it feels good to know that I have a whole army of people looking out for me and supporting me.
Another period in my life after cancer, another wobble. I’m getting better and stronger though. I’m having difficulty breathing and I’m not sure if this is due to spending so much time flat on my back or whether I’ve trained my body to take in less air so not to cause pain.
The pain in my back is real and it’s still there- just not as debilitating.
I went from having a mild back ache for a few years to very quickly not being able to move, go to the toilet or wash myself. It’s been hell. Not just the pain, but the worry of what’s causing it and the self-pity as much as I try and not dwell on the whys.
Everybody is worried. People hide it well, but I pick up on the smallest thing. My GP keeps calling asking how I am. A totally different consultant to who I’m under wants to see me to expedite my scan and care. They don’t have to do that but I know they are just concerned. “Ruling things out.”
The plus side to all this is that I don’t feel alone and I know everything is being done as it should be. The negative side- this being very real. The awful fear that 3 years on my breast cancer could have travelled through the lymphatic system or blood stream and set up shop in my spine. It wouldn’t mean my life was over, but it would mean that I could not be cured and would remain on drugs to control it until such time cancer wins. It’s weird because I just want to know and to get back to a degree of normality, perhaps even if the result is not what I’d hoped and shortens my life. These last few days perhaps I’ve come to a degree of acceptance. I think of myself these days as prepare for the worst and hope for the best kinda girl. It’s funny because I sound so dramatic, at least to myself. The drama is real though, as are the tears,as is the worry.
Tonight I washed my hair (with a lot of help) using a shower attachment in the sink. We all got wet, the bathroom was waterlogged, I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much. I feel so much better, and getting dressed and some fresh air will make me feel even better tomorrow. X