Hardest post to write

I thought about never returning to the blog. Shutting it down. The thought of filling it with sadness and doom and gloom seems so pointless. But there’s a small part of me that hopes that these are dark days, and perhaps in a week or two I won’t be feeling like this and will have found some positivity. After all when all is said and done, however long you have left, you can’t waste it with tears and sadness. It is surely something most people who die before their time must regret. 

My bad back wasn’t really a bad back it has fractured vertebrae which causes a lot of pain. Tumours are growing inside the bone causing them to crumble. My poor back muscles are desperately trying to hold it all together. The breast cancer cells travelled through my bloodstream and have thrived there quite happily. Bone mets is shit, but perhaps I could have coped with that diagnosis a little better. I hear people can live for years with bone mets under treatment.

Unfortunately the scan showed fluid on my lungs and multiple lesions on both. Also in my liver. There is a spot on my head but they are not attributing this to cancer at this point. 

It means chemo, and more aggressive treatment. I need a liver biopsy to ensure we are dealing with the same cancer and it’s not changed its receptors. Apparently this doesn’t hurt too much. 

The hardest thing is being in here alone at night and my family being far away. I just want them close to me. I’m frightened. 

I keep dwelling on all the things that I must have done wrong. The people I’ve hurt, all the bad things in my life. I’ve always tried to be true and honest and fair but I know that people don’t always know how to deal with me, and I regret some of my behaviour in some ways, although I always thought it was fair and just  at the time. 

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9 Comments

  1. Hannah Simpson

    Oh Caroline. Beautifully written as always, by an amazing and beautiful person. Can’t imagine how hard that was to write, but shows incredible strength that even now you are generous enough to share this. Nothing about this is fair, and I hate cancer so much right now. Sending love. X

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  2. Dee

    My thoughts are with you Caroline. This is shit but look at what you have already done. You hear today about this and you are back to writing on this blog. That takes guts and courage. You are sharing your story to help others and that demonstrates the fabulous woman you are!!! When you are in hospital at night just imagine all of us BC girls holding your hand. Sending you a hug xxx

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  3. Jo Brogden

    Hi Caroline,
    we’ve been trying to contact you. I spoke to your Dad today. Can you tell me how best to speak to you.
    In my HR charity capacity I need to speak to you offline.
    On a personal level I won’t talk to you in full view of the world. I’d love to come and see you and talk one-to-one.
    I am worried about and for you.
    If you can write your blog, please do talk/write to us at BBC
    Lots of love Jo B x

    Like

  4. Lia Brown

    My thoughts and prayers are with you my sweet girl! Your strength will pull you through this difficult times! I just wish I could give you a big hug! Love you!

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  5. Sarah Holmes

    You are fair and just and lovely, but life is not.
    What is happening now is nothing, nothing at all, about you being a bad person or being punished.
    It is just cancer, which is ghastly and entirely indiscriminate, but not personal.
    Hoping the fear and loneliness you are feeling are over powered by the love that will be wrapping around you from your family, friends…and people who only know you from here or on Twitter. Sarah xx

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  6. boobiebetrayal

    Caroline, I only know you through this blog but I can categorically say that you are a lovely person 🙂
    I know it its not for me to tell you what to do but now is not for regret.

    You are so strong, I know you don’t want to be strong but you can do it. We are thinking of you my sweet lovely xxxx

    Like

  7. prewitt1970

    Hi, I’ve been away from everything I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in stage 4. I hope your rage and depression are okay. Please feel free to fin me on FB my partner Katelyn and I have very open hearts and personally it’s important for you to have a support system. As you know I’ve Young onset Parkinsons. So I’m not “sick” per say like cancer but the feeling of being powerless and simply having to watch as one loses control over our bodies is the same. Here you.
    Benjamin

    Liked by 1 person

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