Hardest post to write

I thought about never returning to the blog. Shutting it down. The thought of filling it with sadness and doom and gloom seems so pointless. But there’s a small part of me that hopes that these are dark days, and perhaps in a week or two I won’t be feeling like this and will have found some positivity. After all when all is said and done, however long you have left, you can’t waste it with tears and sadness. It is surely something most people who die before their time must regret. 

My bad back wasn’t really a bad back it has fractured vertebrae which causes a lot of pain. Tumours are growing inside the bone causing them to crumble. My poor back muscles are desperately trying to hold it all together. The breast cancer cells travelled through my bloodstream and have thrived there quite happily. Bone mets is shit, but perhaps I could have coped with that diagnosis a little better. I hear people can live for years with bone mets under treatment.

Unfortunately the scan showed fluid on my lungs and multiple lesions on both. Also in my liver. There is a spot on my head but they are not attributing this to cancer at this point. 

It means chemo, and more aggressive treatment. I need a liver biopsy to ensure we are dealing with the same cancer and it’s not changed its receptors. Apparently this doesn’t hurt too much. 

The hardest thing is being in here alone at night and my family being far away. I just want them close to me. I’m frightened. 

I keep dwelling on all the things that I must have done wrong. The people I’ve hurt, all the bad things in my life. I’ve always tried to be true and honest and fair but I know that people don’t always know how to deal with me, and I regret some of my behaviour in some ways, although I always thought it was fair and just  at the time. 

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